NEW: Winter Solstice, TOS, G, 1/2 Title: Winter Solstice Author: Dread Nought Series: TOS Rating: G Summary: Oh, I hate summaries. There is some snow in this, though it does not qualify for the challenge. Notes: Suffice to say the mold hangs on this so thick it looks like a 300 year oak tree in the mississippi delta. Well, okay it may not be that bad and I am heartened by the realization that my writing has gotten better. I can't even remember when I wrote this, probably 87 or 88. Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and Viacom I am borrowing them for a no-money jaunt down fanfic lane. I didn't even scratch 'em before returning 'em. -------------------------------- Captain's log, Stardate 3142.6, "We are entering the Sol System for R and R and ... crew assignment. The Enterprise is ordered to escort the Sulumian delegation to Alpha Centauri while most of the crew take leave. Admiral Komack has ordered me to report to him at Central, to discuss the last two missions. He promised the meeting will be short." Spock looked up as McCoy entered the officer's mess. After getting a meal, the doctor glanced around the room, espied the Vulcan and approached. "Mind if I join you, Mr. Spock?" he asked, taking a seat. It was near the end of break and the room was clearing out. "Not at all, Doctor," Spock replied, returning his attention to his tray. "Spock," McCoy began after a few minutes. "Can I talk to you?" Spock glanced around--there were only two crew left and they were on the other side of the room. "Certainly, Doctor." McCoy fidgeted for a moment. "How would you access Jim's mental condition right now?" Pushing his tray aside, Spock steepled his hands in front of himself. "I would say he is suffering from guilt and emotional fatigue from command responsibility," Spock replied slowly, watching for a reaction from the other. "Pretty much my diagnosis," McCoy responded. "Since we'll be in the neighborhood, I put in for leave for him on Earth while the Enterprise makes the milk-run to Alpha Cen. I don't want him to go alone." Spock finished off his juice. "Do you plan to accompany him?" McCoy frowned. "I don't think he wants me to." Spock didn't respond. "I think I'm too associated, in his mind, with all the recent deaths." Two failed missions. Two unlucky missions, McCoy had insisted, the record before that had been unbelievably lucky. ***** "Bones! Here!" The air was filled with choking dust, and the ceiling was coming down in long pieces. A disheveled Kirk was carrying a blood-stained crewperson. He must have carried him all the way from the control center. McCoy couldn't do anything for him. The radiation poisoning was well beyond the fatal level. McCoy watched the spirit in Kirk's eyes die when he informed him of that. ***** Kirk's mood had definitely darkened with self-blame over the last two missions, no matter that the captain himself was almost killed on the last one. McCoy looked up and was surprised to find the Vulcan, eyes closed, as if in meditation. "Spock?" The dark eyes opened and immediately Spock composed himself. "I need to return to my post, Doctor," he said standing up. The rest of the room was empty, everyone else had returned to duty. "Spock." McCoy stood up as well. "I want you to ask him if you can go along." An eyebrow rose. "I don't think he'll turn you down and I don't want him to be alone." Spock looked at him closely and took a deep breath that sounded suspiciously like a sigh to McCoy's ears. "All right, Doctor, I will." "Captain?" Spock stepped into Kirk's quarters through the open door. Kirk was packing a suitcase, and various articles of clothing were spread out on the bed. Spock had delayed this self-invitation as long as logically possible. "Hi, Spock. What can I do for you?" "You are taking a leave on Earth, Captain?" Kirk didn't pause in his search for something. "Yes, by order of Bones." Spock dove in. "Would you mind some company, Captain?" Kirk stopped, mid-pull of a drawer. He looked up, eyes narrow, at his friend. "Bones put you up to this, didn't he?" Spock didn't answer immediately. Kirk stood up, hands on hips, "Commander, Doctor McCoy put you up to this didn't he?" Spock stiffened. "Yes, sir." He mentally chided himself for not predicting that question. A "humpf" was the only response from Kirk as he resumed his search. Spock felt cornered between what seemed to be a dismissal of the issue by Kirk and the doctor's order to accompany his captain. There seemed to be only one remaining tact. He waited until Kirk located the object of his search and faced him down as Spock predicted he would. Averting his eyes in an honest display of embarassment, Spock spoke quieter than usual, "But that does not negate my desire to accompany you." Kirk's posture instantly relaxed and his mood shifted smoothly from challenge to affection. He seemed to be considering an appropriate response. "I'd enjoy your company, Spock," Kirk said, reaching out as if to touch the blue-clad arm, and then withdrawing to a more rigid posture. "How soon can you be ready to go?" The snow lay in gentle rolling waves across the ground leading to the house. "My great uncle's place." Kirk announced as they exited the rental low-altitude shuttle. The flight up had been beautiful and Spock was pleased at the surprising improvement in Kirk's mental state. The Human was relishing every bit of scenery and especially the exhiliration of piloting over the mountains. Spock had been forced to remind himself many times of Kirk's excellent record as a shuttle pilot. The snow was not a sight to allow him to relax completely now that they were on the ground. Kirk was opening the back door of the vehicle to retrieve the luggage. Spock assisted in this, and they headed to the door. Kirk waded through the drifts to the door. He hadn't informed Spock of exactly their destination, just told him he should probably dress warmly. Spock looked forward to the security of a permanent enclosure. Kirk opened the door and smiled back at Spock attempting to follow behind in the trail Kirk had pushed through the snow. The sight of that smile, absent for many weeks, allowed a tightness in Spock's chest to loosen. Kirk dropped the luggage inside and reached out for the bags Spock was carrying. "Will you go back and close up the shuttle, Spock?" Kirk asked as he took the bags inside the yawning welcome of the front door. Spock turned around and waded back through to the landing pad. After sealing the doors he removed the entry card from the lock and noticed that a light dusting of snow was already covering the large curved front windshield. The warm material melted it and it trailed down the side of the vehicle as liquid. Spock pocketed the entry card and turned back to the house. As he approached the house, he noticed that the door was tightly sealed, and that his telepathic sense was giving him a warning. Whizzzz...thud. A spherical projectile formed of frozen ice particles sailed past his head to impact the side of the house. Spock's rapid analytic brain returned an immediate analysis: Warning shot. His options were several, though cover from further fire was indicated. Logic told him to retreat to the house, but memory of the smile Kirk had shown only moments before made him opt for cover outside. Besides, another part of Spock's mind considered, Kirk may have locked the door. Spock dashed for the cover of a large shrub whose utility as a shield from further attack was enhanced by the sheer volume of snow encasing it. He was too slow, for as he jumped over a snow drift to duck behind the white form, a snowball grazed him on the shoulder. He reached down to form his own weaponry, mind assessing the projection angles of the two fired shots in an attempt to pinpoint Kirk's location and his movement. He fashioned one suitable armament and chanced a look around the side of his cover. He didn't see anything. Alert eyes scanned the bright white landscape, not so different from glaring desert sand, as his adept hands formed another sphere of snow, this one compressed a little tighter than the last. Ah, there was a flash of the brown coat Kirk was wearing. Though Spock was uncertain that it was not a decoy. There it was again, behind a row of cylinders placed over the plants to protect them from the harsh environment. Spock computed and predicted the next appearance of Kirk's jacket, and fired. The snowball glanced off of the top of Kirk's hunched back. The brown dissappeared suddenly. Two point three minutes past as Spock formed several more spheres and, sensing he had the advantage stood up and crept forward for the kill. He moved stealthily around the far side of the fence separating the walk from the decorative yard flora, and stood up, weapon ready for the surprise throw... and Kirk wasn't there. His trail through the snow was evident and indicated he had headed over around the shuttle. Suddenly aware of his vulnerability Spock ducked down again. He was not in a very defensible position. Another bush, a twin of the one he used for cover earlier, was nearby and was the closest large object he could place between himself and the far side of the shuttle, which Spock predicted would be the location of Kirk's appearance. He just had to cross the walk. There was no sign of Kirk. Spock tightened his hold on his small arsenal and tryed to stand up for the two meter dash across the open. Odd. His legs weren't quite obeying him. They suddenly felt heavy and unresponsive. He tried to pick one up to test its function. The snow-filled world tilted at a crazy angle like an artificial gravity control gone bad, and Spock collapsed into the snow. A thick bed of tiny crystals enveloped him in a soft grey world. Minutes of foggy time passed. "Spock?" Kirk's voice called out. Then closer. "Spock?" "Spock!" Kirk was beside him, lifting him out of the snow, into his arms. Light was once again incident against Spock's face, and he opened his eyes to Kirk's panicked expression. "Are you all right?" Kirk noticed the bright green streaks on the Vulcans cheeks and the dark color of his lips. "Oh, God," Kirk muttered and hauled himself to his feet with Spock in his arms. He kicked open the door and charged into the living room, depositing his first officer unceremoniously on the couch. He raced back to slam closed the door and crank the heat up from its low, un-used setting. He ran back to the couch, Spock hadn't moved, though his eyes were still open. Kirk sat on the edge of the couch and began rapidly stripping off the damp, non-insulating, civilian clothing Spock was wearing. "Why didn't you tell me you were getting cold?" he asked sadly, as he tried to gently remove the pants that were soaked from the thighs down. Kirk realized the boots would have to go first. Spock mutely shook his head twice, then closed his eyes and let his head rest to the side. "Stay with me Spock," Kirk said firmly as he unfastened each boot and carefully slipped it off. Spock's eyes opened and he regarded Kirk unreadably. Kirk threw the pants aside and pulled the loose knit blanket off the back of the couch and lay it across the Vulcan. The temperature in the room had risen noticably, but it was still far from doing Spock much good. Kirk ran to the nearest bedroom to pull the blankets from the bed. These he added to the knit one over the thin figure. Kirk bent over Spock and laid a hand across the discolored cheek. "Should I put you in a warm bath?" Spock shook is head. "I will be all right," Spock said quietly. "As long as the room temperature continues to rise." Kirk glanced around for his communicator and realized it was still in the coat he was wearing, which was making him very warm. Shedding his coat he pulled out the device. The Enterprise had departed. "Should I call Earth Central for a med unit?" Kirk asked, naked concern on his face. "It is not that serious, Captain," Spock said adjusting himself under considerable weight of the blankets into a more comfortable position. "Bones is in Georgia, I'll have him contacted." Spock could detect the melencholy descending again over his friend. "He's more qualified to treat you anyway," Kirk added to himself. The doctor stomped through the door in light summer clothing, carrying a standard extended medkit, cursing the beamdown circumstances. He stomped into the living room. "What's goin' on here?" he asked, southern drawl evident. Kirk indicated the couch and McCoy, in surprise, moved over to it. "What happened?" he asked Kirk. Kirk bowed his head, "We were outside too long. He just collapsed, there wasn't any warning." McCoy was running a scanner over the heavily covered form. "Cold paralysis in Vulcans. There never is any warning," he said as he removed all but two blankets. "How do you feel, Spock?" he asked, voice of friendly compassion. Kirk looked down at Spock and McCoy noticed the dark signs of depression settling over his captain's features. The doctor watched Kirk walk over to the window to stare out at the snow. His posture one of defeat. McCoy's attention was completely diverted from his immediate patient. Spock's voice softly interrupted. "It was my fault. Jim could not have known I was near difficultly." The color in his face had normalized. McCoy studied his scanners and leaned over to whisper so only Spock would hear. "Your toxin level has me worried. I'm going to give you an anti-toxin. I've got a new one here from our resupply," he said as he prepared the hypo. As he administered it, Spock sat up to look at Kirk over the back of the couch. The captain stared bleakly out at the orangish world of early sunset. Spock moved to stand up. Surprised, McCoy moved to restrain him. Spock silently shook him off and glanced meaningfully at the captain's silhouette. McCoy aquiesed and helped Spock wrap the warmer of the two blankets around his spare frame. Spock walked quietly over to his captain. Kirk looked up in surprise. Spock tilted his head to the side as if to say, see, I'm all right. "How do you feel?" Kirk asked sullenly. "Much improved," Spock replied. He looked around, McCoy was in the kitchen. He laid a hand on Kirk's arm, "I apologize for distressing you." "It's my fa--" "No." Spock cut him off. "If was entirely mine. I certainly should be capable of determining my own limitations. As should you be capable of determining your own." Spock tightened his grip on Kirk's upper arm to accent the point. "You are the best commander Starfleet has, that is undoubtedly why they assign the Enterprise to the most difficult missions. Some situations simply cannot be solved perfectly." Kirk stared straight into the dark eyes. "But all those kids..." Spock finished for him, "...accepted the same risks we all did in entering Starfleet." "But I gave the orders." Kirk stared outside again. "Which they followed because your orders are what has kept us alive so many other times in the past. You have beaten astronomical odds more times than I believed possible for any one being." Kirk's mouth crooked slightly. "I will not hesitate to follow you in the future." Kirk's mood was lifting, Spock realized he was detecting this so efficiently because he was still holding the Human's arm. As he released it he wondered fleetingly if he hadn't persuaded Kirk on a level deeper than verbal. McCoy watched the murmured interchange from the doorway of the kitchen. Good old Spock, he can even logic Kirk out of a depression. Kirk stared out of the window for several moments. "Thank you, Spock." McCoy saw his moment to approach. "I just want to check our friend out one more time before I go," he said as they turned to him. He aimed the scanner at Spock's chest and observed the readings. "Hmm," he grunted and pulled out the larger medical tricorder. "Something wrong?" Kirk asked, suddenly alert. "Not sure," McCoy scrutinized the readings. "Why don't you lie over here on the couch for a moment, Spock." The Vulcan hesitated a second before complying. McCoy parted the blanket from the bare chest. "Doctor, I assure you I am recovering fine," he said as cool Human hands probed his abdomen. McCoy pressed his fingers in, "Does this hurt?" Spock shook his head. McCoy moved his hand and pressed lightly, "How about this?" Spock grunted with pain, before wrestling himself under control. Kirk was leaning on his hands over the end of the couch, "What's wrong? Is he all right?" "He's reacting to the medication, I need to get him to a med facility," McCoy said. Pulling his communicator out of his inside pocket, he made the appropriate call to Earth Med Central to arrange for a patient pick-up. He had some difficulty getting them to understand his description of the patient. Kirk looked down at Spock whose eyes were now closed in concentration. He walked around to sit on the side of the couch in the spot McCoy had vacated and grasped Spock's right hand, which lay across his blanket-wrapped chest. Spock's eyes opened and zeroed in on Kirk, eyebrow raising slightly, but he didn't pull away. A transporter beam hummed and two figures in medical blues appeared in the corner of the living room, one Vulcan and one Human. McCoy rolled his eyes, "One of each," he muttered. Kirk released Spock's hand and moved out of the way. The Vulcan med-tech's dark eyes followed Kirk as he rose. They scanned Spock and placed him on a anti-grav stretcher. The Vulcan placed his fingertips momentarily on Spock's forehead before pulling the stretcher away from the couch. The Human, a women, signalled ahead to the facility as they positioned themselves for beam up. McCoy started putting his stuff together to follow. The Vulcan pointed at Kirk who hadn't moved, "The T'ha'moya will be needed." From his horizontal position, Spock looked sharply at the med-tech and over to Kirk. Kirk moved over to McCoy. "I'll follow with him," he said, indicating the doctor. The Vulcan bowed slightly and pressed a button on their communications unit. They dissolved. "What was that about?" Kirk mumbled to McCoy as he stared into the now-empty space in the corner of the room. "Couldn't tell ya, Jim. Let's go." An intern led the way to the xeno unit. The door to Spock's room opened as someone exited and Kirk looked eagerly in at the pair tending Spock. McCoy tapped Kirk on the shoulder, "That was a blood sample, I'm going to follow it down to the lab." Kirk nodded. The Vulcan doctor looked up and Kirk expected to be told to wait elsewhere. Instead the other gestured for him to enter. "Please," the tall alien said, indicating a seat beside the head of the bed. Kirk hesitated in surprise, but didn't argue. Spock lay, eyes closed, as equipment was assembled and hooked up to his limbs. It hurt to watch. The installation went rapidly and the room emptied except for the two doctors. They were busy on the other side of the room. Kirk wondered if he would be allowed to stay, he wished he knew how Spock was doing. His friend was still unconscious, hair unusually mussed, one hand taped awkwardly across his chest. Kirk ached to reach out. He brushed his fingertips over the back of Spock's hand, more to reassure himself than Spock. The Vulcan doctor was watching him from across the room, "He is in a meditative state. Inform him that we require his consciousness for a few minutes." Kirk froze. Inform him? How? Kirk could only think of one thing. He gingerly took Spock's hand in his own. Spock...he called with his mind. Spock, can you feel me? He gripped the warm dry hand tighter. Spock's eyes opened and regarded Kirk quizically. The doctor came over and turned Spock's attention away. The discussion of healing trances and things ended and Spock once again slipped out of this immediate world. Kirk watched the trance deepening, Spock's breathing slowing impossibly. The stern Vulcan was again watching Kirk. "You will stay for a time," he stated. It sounded like an order, and Kirk opened his mouth to argue then decided against it. "Someone will show you to a room later." With that the doctors left. Kirk observed his silent friend for a while. "I'm sorry, Spock," he said quietly. He didn't dare touch him again for fear of disturbing the trance. McCoy came back, the bounce in his step letting Kirk know that everything was being taken care of. The Doctor looked over the monitors and then looked at Kirk, "You should get some rest." "They said I could stay. I'd like to," Kirk replied. _Actually they said I had to stay, I think,_ Kirk mused. "Suit yourself, I'll be down the hall in the third guest room if you need anything." Kirk was grateful for the arrival of the escort, he was very tired. Two dark-robed figures approached the night clerk. The human behind the desk looked up at the visitors. "I am Ambassador Sarek, I was informed my son is here." Amanda managed a small smile for the Human to counteract her husband's stiff tone. "Ambassador." The Vulcan doctor approached from down the hall. "It is an honor," he spoke in Vulcan. "I am healer Xewaq, please follow me." They started down the hallway. "Your son is doing well, his blood has been filtered and a trance initiated." He switched to Standard, uncertain of Amanda's language skill. "Your son's T'hy'la has been most beneficial to the healing process. I was uncertain about the effectiveness of a Human..." Sarek and Amanda had both stopped, and the healer turned around to face them. "What?" Amanda supplied. The healer analyzed both of their expressions in a long glance. "You were not aware..." he began in Standard. Then switched to formal Vulcan. "I beg forgiveness, I am not in my place," he said formally, bowing his head. "Wait," Amanda said as the healer turned to continue down the hall. "You said his...T'hy'la was Human?" The healer studied both faces again and nodded. "The Human captain who came in with him." He waited for any further questions before leading them down the hall. Spock's trance was very deep and they were not allowed to stay long. The healer left them in the waiting area, bowing solumnly for his departure. Sarek stood silently for several minutes, fixating on an un-powered entertainment terminal. "Sarek," Amanda said quietly. "Maybe he was afraid we would disapprove." He turned to her. "You mean, that I would disapprove," he said. "Sarek..." Amanda began. "You were unaware?" "My husband, I would not have kept such a thing from you," she admonished him. "We will speak with Kirk," Sarek said walking out of the lounge area. Kirk tossed restlessly from some fitful foggy dream. A chiming woke him. He opened his eyes as the lights came up automatically with the door opening. He squinted at the people who entered. "Ambassador!" Kirk said sitting up, "I didn't know you were on Earth." Sarek motioned that he did not have to stand. There was a long silence. Kirk looked from Sarek to Amanda, who shifted uncharacteristically as she met his eyes. Sarek finally spoke, "D'reiv shoq cadrun't'po." Amanda looked at her husband, surprised. So did Kirk, but because he was quite certain Sarek knew he spoke little Vulcan. Sarek turned to leave. Kirk was too stunned to say anything. Amanda touched Kirk's knee and said in a Motherly tone, "We can talk in the morning." It took Kirk an hour to fall back to sleep. Pain. At first a few stabs, but it became an unbreaking string of insistant agony. Spock opened his eyes, the device monitoring his brain function ceased inflicting its consciousness-returning shocks. The healer leaning over him, nodded in appoval and unhooked the equipment. "How are you feeling, Spock?" McCoy asked. Spock nodded, "Quite functional. Where is the captain?" The Human looked over the readouts carefully. "Sleeping the rest of the wicked," was the response. Xewaq looked up at McCoy suddenly from the computer pad he was taking notes on. McCoy seemed satisfied with the readings on Spock's panel. "I don't want to wake him, so tell Jimbo I am gettin' back to the friends I so rudely left yesterday." He picked up his own notepad and headed for the door, "Take care, and don't let 'em give you any prune extract." He chuckled as the door slid closed behind him. Healer Xewaq walked over to the bed, looking at the closed door, "He is a very strange Human." Spock nodded and closed his eyes. It was somewhat disturbing to Spock that he didn't find McCoy's behavior really all that strange. The door slid open and Spock opened his eyes, his parents were being allowed into the room. Spock greeted them and tried to sit up, and discovered it would not be wise. His father moved to stand on one side of the bed with his mother on the other. Healer Xewaq departed along with the attendant. Spock illogically felt surrounded. There was a tense silence before his father spoke. "I accept your choice," he stated in Vulcan. Spock looked to his mother for a hint as to the meaning of that and obtained no help. "I do not understand," he said, also in Vulcan. "The Healer has informed us that you are... bonded." Despite the dizziness, Spock did sit up this time. His mind hadn't cleared yet from the trance, but understanding began to solidify in his brain. "I am bonded to no one." Spock switched to Standard in an attempt to draw his mother into the conversation. Even though she spoke Vulcan fluently, the clan language could be too formal. "The healer is mistaken." He remembered now, the Vulcan med-tech who picked him up, had called Kirk T'ha'moya. It was an old word, used when discussing people outside one's own clan. It was sometimes used to describe Human friendship. But the original meaning was much deeper. "You and Kirk are not T'hy'la?" his father asked. Spock paused and averted his eyes by staring at his folded hands laying on the blanket. "I call him friend." Sarek met Amanda's eyes across the bed. "I will not deny he is important to me," Spock continued with difficulty. "As jisaq," Sarek said quietly, apologizing for putting him in a position of revealing emotion. Sarek seemed relieved. "There is one difficulty remaining," Amanda interrupted their thoughts softly. Spock looked up at her. "Your father has already accepted Kirk as his son." Was it Spock's inability to read his mother, or was she actually concealing amusement? There was a long pause, than Spock turned to his father, "I will explain to him." Both parents moved to leave. "Mother, may I speak with you a moment." The door closed behind Sarek. "He was not angry?" Spock asked, looking dubious. Amanda smiled, "I think he was more hurt that you wouldn't trust him to accept such an important decision." "I am amazed at his acceptance," Spock said. Amanda laughed and touched him briefly on the shoulder, then pulled her hand quickly away and put it behind her back as if to demonstrate that she wouldn't be tempted again. "It is all right, Mother. I have learned to accommodate the touch of Humans." Amanda smiled. "Did James Kirk teach you that?" Spock nodded slightly. "I am glad you have such a friend. I cannot tell you how much it eases my mind to know that." She didn't reach out to touch him again. The door opened, and Kirk, now wearing a standard hospital jumper, walked in. "Good morning, Lady Amanda," Kirk said. "How are you doing, Spock?" "I am essentially recovered," Spock replied. "I need to speak with you." Amanda bowed her head to Kirk and excused herself. Kirk watched her leave before moving to stand beside the bed. "There has been some confusion..." Spock began. "I noticed," Kirk said with a wry smile. "Last night your parents woke me up and your father started talking to me in Vulcan." Spock's eyebrow cocked. "You do not know what he said?" Kirk shook his head. Spock folded and unfolded his hands as he searched for a way to start. "My parents were led to believe that we were bonded." "They were?" Kirk's voice didn't reveal any anger, so Spock continued. "I believe it started with the hospital med-tech observing you holding my hand. He undoubtedly informed the healer." "From holding hands, he leapt to bonded?" Spock shook is head. "It is not such a leap. In his experience, it would be unheard of for a Vulcan to allow another to touch them in such a way unless they were family... or bonded. Especially when injured." Kirk froze with the thought that he had been tormenting Spock all this time. "Spock... I--" "Jim. It is all right, your touch has never distressed me. I would have informed you." Kirk relaxed somewhat, but not completely. "What did your parents think about this?" "That leads to the remaining complication. My father actually was prepared to accept my apparent decision, and went to your room to inform you of that." Kirk looked confused. "And..." "He told you, in Vulcan, as that would be the traditional way, that he accepted you as his son." Kirk still looked confused. Spock attempted to clarify, "It is not something he can withdraw." Kirk paced up and down the bed once. "Should I turn him down, or something?" Spock looked startled. "That would be considered quite insulting." Spock thought a moment, looking if possible, a bit more startled. "No. I do not think that is an option." Kirk chewed his lip a moment in thought, "So it's done." Spock nodded. Kirk sat down on the edge of the bed to be eye-level with Spock. He glanced around the room in thought. His eyes eventually came back to rest on Spock. "So we are officially brothers." Spock nodded solemnly. "I guess that isn't really new." Kirk smiled a somewhat uncertain smile. They were silent for time. Spock had closed his eyes and Kirk felt free to look at him with affection. My brother. Kirk now noticed him swaying slightly, and that his breathing was more audible. "Spock?" Kirk put his hands on the lean upper-arms, "Why don't you lie down?" He guided him back to the pillow, and held on in concern. My brother. Spock's eyes finally opened, "Your compassion is very strong," he said in response to the flood of emotional pain coming from Kirk. Kirk could feel an emotional abyss opening in front of him. He couldn't seem to pull himself away from it's edge. "Jim?" Spock's voice tinted by his concern. Kirk's eyes were squeezed shut in an attempt to regain control. His emotions had taken too much the last month to respond well, and he didn't succeed. "Jim, what is it?" Kirk now seemed to be holding on to him for support, rather than comfort. The Human's head dropped slowly until his forehead came to rest on Spock's chest. Spock risked placing a hand on Kirk's head and opening his mind enough to see some of Kirk's pain. Kirk's normally disciplined mind was overwhelmed by emotion, by another death six missions ago. Spock understood. "Jim, I'm sorry. I do not want you to be hurt by this." Kirk pulled away and sat up, ruthlessly bringing himself back under control. "It's hardly your fault, Spock." Kirk stared at the wall. "Do you know why I never had a chance to feel sorrow when it happened?" Spock shook his head. "Because I was so terrified of losing you, I couldn't think of anything else." Guilt. Spock could feel it without even touching him. He was lifting his hand to reach out to his friend when the door opened. Sarek walked in. The older Vulcan took in the sight of Spock in distress and Kirk with bowed head looking rather depressed. Spock sat up again to face his father. Kirk looked at him in concern, which Spock shrugged off. "He has been reminded of the recent death of his birth-brother." Spock explained to his father in Vulcan to avoid embarrassing Kirk, who looked at him questioningly. Spock did not translate. Sarek nodded. They both looked at Kirk, who looked startled by the sudden attention. It was necessary that his father know the extent of Kirk's clan. "His father was lost, when James was a youth. In an attempted rescue of the crew of a damaged space vessel." "That is grievous," Sarek said, looking at Kirk intently. "Spock?" Kirk prompted softly, looking for an explanation. "I am informing my father of the fate of the members of your family. The clan is the most important group in Vulcan society. Such a loss of family members is to be grieved." Sarek was still observing him closely. The Vulcan moved to leave, "James, Luh's'im, come with me." Kirk found himself automatically obeying, it was a strange sensation to once again be under such an authority figure. Spock watched Kirk's tense departure. Kirk couldn't know that Sarek had used the more casual form of the word "son." The one that meant you were not going to get a lecture. Amanda entered as the others left. Spock welcomed the company. Kirk followed Sarek to a room three doors down that looked like an office. Healer Xenaq stood next to a wall of diagnostic readouts from all of his patients. He turned from the displays as they entered, and indicated they should sit. Sarek motioned Kirk to one chair as he took one beside it. Sarek's posture was ridged, almost domineering. No, Kirk realized, it's protective. My God, I haven't felt this way since... He cut the thought off. What are they doing to me? Xenaq sat facing both of them. He looked to Sarek. Sarek spoke to Kirk, "Healer Xenaq does not think he is mistaken." "About..." Sarek looked at Xenaq and then Kirk. "About your being bonded to Spock." Kirk looked doubtful. Xenaq said, "You did call him from a hy'reed trance." Kirk shrugged. "I didn't know what I was doing." "The tech on pickup stated that you were touching the patient, when they arrived." Kirk felt acute embarrasment at Sarek hearing how Human his son had become under Kirk's influence. He glanced at Sarek only to realize that he was embarrassed before Xenaq over how far his son had strayed from Vulcan. "I'm sorry for that. I... can't really explain," Kirk said. The healer spoke, "I cannot accept that it is by mere indifference that Spock would allow such contact when he is ill." He steepled his fingers in front of himself in that familiar way. "I wish to probe your mind to see the extent of the mental connection that may have been brought on by this relationship." Kirk froze. The thought of this Vulcan seeing his side of his relationship with Spock made his chest tighten. "I don't want you to see... something so personal to me." Kirk looked from one the other of the Vulcans. Was he even allowed to back out? "Spock?" Amanda said at the far-away expression on her son's face. They had been talking about her teaching, and the travel she had done with Sarek as part of his job. "Jim is uncomfortable," he replied without fully returning his attention to her. Amanda looked shocked. "How do you know that?" Spock almost shrugged. "I only can sense that he feels threatened." Xenaq sat up straighter, if that were possible. "Your mind is your own," he said simply. "I am curious, how much time do you spend with Spock?" "Um, off duty, I'd say about two hours an evening on average." What was this leading to, Kirk wondered. "And, what do you do during this time?" Kirk hesitated to reveal his personal life. Was Xenaq systematically trying to dissect how Kirk had perverted Spock? "We play a lot of chess. Some exercising together." He shrugged. Could he tell them he didn't want to talk about it anymore? Sarek hadn't added anything, and not knowing what he thought about this was making it very hard. "Spock..." Amanda began "Where is Jim?" he interrupted. "With Sarek and Healer Xenaq." She watched Spock sit up straight and collect his strength. "Spock how can you feel Kirk if you aren't bonded to him?" Spock turned to look at her but didn't reply. Kirk could feel Spock questioning, it was like a fleeting imagining, as usual, but it was constant. He missed Xenaq's last question. "You want to know how deep my relationship with Spock goes?" He looked from one to the other. "I can bring him here, if that will prove anything." "I think Spock is still weak..." Sarek stated. "We should go to his room." Xenaq didn't take his eyes from Kirk. "I do not think that is what he means." Kirk nodded. "But I agree, Spock is still weak." "If he thinks I need him, he'll come." Sarek started to speak as the door slid open. Spock entered with Amanda trailing behind. Spock did not look weak, Sarek observed, he looked ready to do battle. Eyebrows were up. "Fascinating," Xenaq said. He looked at Kirk, "I really am very curious how a bond works in a Human mind. Will you allow?" Kirk looked uncertain, and Spock could feel the discomfort projected from him again. "Jim, you should not even feel oblidged to consider it if you are not entirely willing." Spock stared down the healer as he spoke. Sarek watched the stand-off and realized suddenly just how far Spock had come from when he left home for Starfleet. From when he was a boy unable to dispute the accusations of being Human. To being willing to stand before an honored healer in defense of his... what? "Spock," Sarek interrupted. "Kirk, would you allow me?" Kirk did not look willing. Spock spoke, "I will." Seeing Kirk sigh in relief, he sat beside him and reached for the meld-points. "How many times have you melded?" Xenaq asked. Spock placed his fingers and hesitated. "Six times," he replied. "Six?" someone exclaimed. The tone of disapproval hit Spock. Kirk wanted to draw Spock into his mind to shelter him from it. "Usually in the line of duty." Spock tried to explain. Their eyes met, Spock's pained ones to Kirk's comforting ones, and Kirk remembered. Kirk remembered...the night after nomad was destroyed. He woke to find Spock sprawled on the floor of his quarters, struggling to speak. He went to him. Spock's weak voice choking out the frightenly mechanical words: "Nomad has attempted to...reprogram one of your units, Creator." Kirk had panicked, he shook Spock violently to bring him to his senses. They ended up in a wrestling-like struggle that ended with Spock clinging desparately to him. Kirk carried him to the bed after many reassurances that he wouldn't let go, and they had spent the night together, in a clumsy embrace. Spock's mind, needing Kirk's emotion to eradicate Nomad's programming, had suffused through Kirk's. He had awoken the next morning with Spock kneeling at his beside distressed and apologizing for the unforgivable invasion of his mind. It had taken another mind-meld to convince Spock that he was welcome into his thoughts, and that no, he didn't feel it necessary to courtmartial him. Spock was in his mind again, feeling the emotions Kirk felt reliving that memory. //You are probably correct in singling out this incident.// //I wouldn't change anything, Spock...// The other three waited. Spock adjusted his hands several times. And at one point, Kirk cried out, very quietly. Both Vulcans moved instinctively to intervene, and restrained themselves. Spock opened his eyes and spoke. "I cannot probe deep enough to determine if there is an intact bond." //Jim, you do not have to protect your memories of me from the healer for my sake. We, you and I, need to know the extent of this bond.// Spock projected his concern, //I am sorry you are being put through this...// Spock sensed Kirk's acceptance as he broke off the meld. "Healer Xenaq, I think James will allow your touch." Spock vacated the chair beside Kirk and Xenaq sat down. "Will you allow?" he asked, his hand poised halfway to Kirk's face. Kirk nodded. The warm fingers found the points and Xenaq began a mantra of "Just relax, and let go." This contact was nothing like Spock's mind. It seemed to be all around and not really there at all. The probe went deeper. Kirk focused on the voice, which he decided was the idea of the repeating phrase. He began to feel like he didn't belong to himself anymore. Sarek saw Spock suddenly straighten and look concernedly between Xenaq and Kirk. He can feel the healer touching the other side of the bond, Sarek marvelled. Spock relaxed when Xenaq disengaged from the meld. The break was without sensation, Xenaq's presence was just suddenly gone from Kirk's mind as if it had never been there. Xenaq returned to his chair and observed Kirk and Spock over his steepled fingers. "Quite interesting," he stated in thought. Spock met his father's unreadable gaze and decided that for the moment things were settled with his family. He then turned to Kirk, and realized that the constriction on him was due to the number and the identity of the observers. Kirk as usual, sensing the situation, stood up. Xenaq spoke, "The patient should return to his bed--" "I'll take him," Kirk smoothly interrupted. No protest was forthcoming from the ambassador or his wife. Spock stood slowly. Kirk resisted the temptation to take the other by the arm to help him out. They walked in silence down the corridor. The door to the room slid closed behind them. Spock stopped in the middle of the room, "I do not think I can explain..." he began. "Why don't you at least sit down," Kirk said, finally able to grab the other by the arm and help him. Spock sat ram-rod straight focusing on the wall. "I have betrayed your friendship, Jim." He said quietly. Kirk sighed and sat beside him. Putting a hand on a narrow thigh he said, "I don't feel like you have." Spock didn't look at him. "I have placed you in a bond you did not choose." The dark eyes closed. "It can be severed, perhaps Healer Xenaq would be able to do so." Kirk felt hurt and took a moment to analyze the emotion. "Do you really want it broken, Spock?" No answer was immediately forthcoming. "I need you to tell me the truth on this." Spock bowed his head. "Don't do the damn noble thing and lie to me. Do you really want it severed?" Spock opened his eyes and looked at Kirk solidly before looking away again. The reply was whispered, "No." "If you had asked, I probably would have accepted." Spock shook his head. "I could not have asked." "Just as well, you didn't need to then." Kirk smiled. He couldn't tell if Spock was accepting the situation or not. "I want you to be happy, Spock." Spock looked at him with an unreadable, eyebrow-raised, expression. "There is much we need to work out." Kirk released a pent-up breath at this sign of acceptance. "We will," he said with certainty. He sat on the edge of the bed and marveled at the being before him. Reaching into his mind, following the path the healer had left in him, he found the end of the bond and brushed it with his thoughts. Spock raised his eyebrows in amazement. Kirk favored him with a boyish grin, eyes glimmering. "We won't have any problem working things out, my friend." ------------------------------ It may not seem like it, but it is... The end.