> I'll try 1b1a2
> 
> looks interesting. Sounds like a destruct sequence.
> 
TOS Hypertext round robin

Ship's night, Starship Enterprise.

~end of Karmen Ghia part~

Kirk was running, and something was chasing him,
something he didn't want to have catch up with him; in
front of him something he desperately needed to find,
needed to ... just needed, more than breathing. 

Something diffuse, intangible. 

Someone. 

His heartbeat a heavy thump in his ears, and the noise
grew louder with each agonizing step as his feet
thudded against the floor of his ship. The sound
echoed, bounced off the walls; a hollow sound that
made his anxiety grow. 

And then, he saw the shadowy figure of something
ahead. Black robes billowing. Something ... someone. 

Spock.

"Wait up!" Kirk shouted. "Wait. Don't go ..." 

*Don't leave me*

That's when he woke up, sweating, aching and alone. 

Kirk forced himself out of bed, knowing that sleep
wouldn't come for many hours now. He'd only fallen
asleep minutes ago, and he knew he'd just have to face
another sleepless night. 

"He's gone," Kirk told himself once more, wincing at
the sound of his own voice, the flatness of it, the
.... feeling of being lost growing for each day. It
was as though the truth of Spock not being by his side
just wouldn't sink in, no matter how many days, weeks
or even months passed by since they had both left the
Enterprise.

Kirk roamed the rooms of his house. It was situated on
the ocean, barely ten minutes by hovercar from Los
Angeles city. The bungalow was a beautiful place, one
that he'd thought would help him feel better, as
though he'd finally found a house that he could call
home, but he was itching to get away from it. 

*Perhaps you should go to Vulcan to find Spock, and
let him know that you've made a mistake.*

But fear surged inside him. Of what he couldn't quite
tell. 

He could still remember the blank look on Spock's face
that very last day. Kirk winced. He hadn't meant to
sound so harsh, so ... unforgiving when he denied the
feelings he'd had for his first officer for ... years.

But the desolation and shuttered expression in Spock's
black eyes told him that no matter what he had truly
meant, rejection, plain and simple, was what Spock had
seen on his face. And inside, Kirk knew very well that
it wasn't how he truly felt. He loved Spock but
couldn't convince himself to admit it out loud. 

Something held him back. It was fear, fear of his own
feelings and the strong emotions he saw in the face of
a man that he'd worked beside for five whole years.
Emotions that had no business being there. 

Kirk swallowed. He had never expected Spock to act on
the tension that existed between them, never expected
Spock to ever bring it up. And when he did ... Kirk
was ashamed of his own reaction. He'd been so afraid
that rather than acknowledging the fear, he'd lashed
out and driven Spock away, the only person he had ever
truly ... loved. 

So, now what was he supposed to do? 

~end of Carola part~

The walls of the bungalow were suddenly closing in on
him, he had to get out. He made his way to the beach,
where the gently crashing waves and star-spangled sky
would help to ease his anxiety. 

Following the well-worn path to the isolated cove he
had discovered his first night in the bungalow, he
realized that he had spent a portion of every night
here, for one reason or another. It had become his
sanctuary ... his refuge ... his escape. He could not
help but think that this refuge would not be necessary
if he had made different choices ... if he had not
allowed his fears to consume him. 

On the Enterprise, fear had never ruled his actions
... never crippled him when it came to life and death
decisions. But when it came to personal matters such
as love and commitment, he always seemed to let fear
have the upper hand. In his youth, there had been
Ruth, then Carol, then Gary ... countless others over
the years. He had always had a reason for pulling away
when things got too serious. 

He didn't even want to think about all the missed
opportunities ... yet when everything he ever wanted
had been offered to him, he pushed it away once again.

How could he have treated Spock that way, when every
fiber of his being ached to be with him? Their last
moment together continuously replayed itself in his
mind, forcing him to make a decision. 

Returning quickly to the bungalow, he punched in the
code to Spock's home on Vulcan. As he waited for the
connection to be made, he composed his thoughts, and
hoped that Spock would allow him to say everything he
needed to say.

But when the connection was finally made, it was
Sarek, not Spock who appeared onscreen. A brief
conversation revealed that Spock had gone to study at
Gol, and fear once again consumed him ... for it might
be too late to tell Spock his true feelings. 

~end of T'Lin part~

As if on autopilot, Kirk ran to the bedroom and
started throwing clothes into a travel bag. He had to
do it; he had to go to Vulcan and tell Spock how he
really felt. He knew, deep down inside, if he didn't
go now, the old fears would creep back in and take
control, and then he'd never tell Spock what was
really in his heart.

Five minutes later, packed and anxious to leave, he
ran into a dilemma: wheedle his way into getting
passage on a starship, or travel by transport. A
starship would certainly be faster, but there would be
questions asked that he didn't really want to answer.
Going by transport would be slower, but it would give
him the anonymity he needed.

Two hours later saw him leaving the Los Angeles
spaceport and heading for Vulcan. He spent the next
two weeks of the voyage alternating between stark
terror and euphoric optimism. As the transport docked
on Vulcan, he wiped his sweaty palms on his trousers
and squared his shoulders, running over in his head
what he planned to say once he was standing face to
face with Spock. He only hoped his newfound resolve
wouldn't desert him once he was staring into those
piercing brown eyes.

~end of Cait N part~

Obtaining access to Gol had been easier than he
expected, and an acolyte had let him in promptly when
he had knocked on the door of the main building. Not
quite the cloister, or rather Trappist conclave, he
had imagined during the journey there. 

He was left alone in the reception area for a few
minutes. The decoration in the interior surprised him.
He had managed to find out a little about *kohlinahr*
during the transport journey and the Byzantine,
eclectic and excessive collection of statues, scrolls
and carvings seemed inimical to the pursuit of perfect
non-emotion.

Then again, Buddhists sometimes sought enlightenment
in ornate temples as well. But Jim was a Westerner,
dammit--to him, contemplation started between bare
walls.

Jim stepped forward eagerly when Spock appeared in the
doorway, said his name without thinking.

"Why are you here?" Jim stopped short. Spock's voice,
Spock's eyes were utterly cold.

The former starship captain was caught for a moment,
but only a moment, and then he was in full battlemode.

"Is there somewhere we could talk privately?" he asked
politely, glancing at the acolyte who had first let
him in, now standing to the side.

Spock said nothing, only started down the hall from
which he had emerged. The acolyte tipped his head in
Spock's direction; apparently, he was to follow.

Stone echoes followed them down the hall. He had not
expected Spock to be so angry.

Finally they were in a cell. With bare walls. No
crucifix, however. Kirk caught himself and faced
Spock. No sense in delay. "Spock, I . . . I made a
mistake. I said the wrong thing to you, because I was
afraid--"

"How many times?" Spock cut in sharply.

"Spock?"

"How many times do you intend to change your mind? You
have been toying with me. And I should have realized
that--I knew, from the beginning. You're too flighty.
You flirt, and tease, but never stick around. You said
it yourself, once: 'an unequal relationship cannot
last.'"

"Unequal? What are you talking about?"

"What do you think!" Spock had gone from mere
irritation to vehemence. "I deluded myself because
I--" He closed his eyes and shook his head, "I was
infatuated with you, but to you this is simply a game,
an interesting diversion to tide you over until you
can find someone new to challenge you." His eyes were
blazing. "I went along with everything you wanted but
no longer. I had forgotten who I was. I am a Vulcan.
If I had remembered that I would not have allowed you
to deceive me."

"Spock--!" he pleaded desperately.

"And you have lied to me. Do you expect me to give in
when you plead with me to return? I won't have it."

Kirk found himself short of breath. He turned away,
slumped against the wall. So this was it? 

He balled a fist against the wall. Could he walk away
and let Spock go to his grave thinking he had just
been playing with him, that he did not love him? No.
He had never given up, never, and he wasn't about to
give up now.

He turned around and spread his hands in front of him,
plea and supplication. "Spock--please--listen to me.
Let me . . . try to explain." 

~end of Hypatia Kosh part~

"I've lost," he started then paused for a painful breath. 
"I've lost everything that ever mattered." He paced once 
across the room. "The Enterprise was one half of me and 
you were the other." He just barely held his voice against 
wavering in sadness as he said this.

"You have come only for yourself," Spock stated harshly.
"Selfish, as usual," he added and composed himself with an
inward certainty that made Kirk's confidence slip dangerously.

Kirk looked over Spock in his dusty robe, hands typically behind
his back now as though relaxed, but with a tension that Kirk
wasn't accustomed to seeing.  He looked tense not as though 
ready for action, but ready to snap.

<em>You have come only for yourself.</em> Kirk moved his eyes
to the bare wall. He tried to find the truth in himself.
He couldn't deny that he didn't want to be alone, but had
this always just been about him?

"I read what I could find about the <em>kohlinahr</em>." He pulled
his gaze back to Spock's dark eyes and managed to force some conviction
into his voice, "You don't want to be more than this?" He saw the subtle
shift in the muscles around Spock's eyes that indicated he had gotten through
with that. "You always have been more than this," he continued factually, 
gently.

He dropped his gaze and turned away. "I'd do whatever you want if
you'd come back. Maybe someday you will." To settle himself, he
considered that this kohlinahr was probably not designed for a
half-Vulcan and wouldn't be permanent.

He walked slowly to the door of the room and put his hand
out to swing it open. He paused there, hoping Spock would move but he didn't.
He pushed it open and exited as though heading to his own funeral.

At the aircar parked alone on the edge of the vast plateau he
keyed the door to open with the chit from the rental agency.
It trundled open--its mechanism old and abused by numerous careless
drivers. 

A profound sense of defeat laid itself upon him. What was he going to
do? Return to Ellaye, to his empty house and job? Fly the aircar into
a fittingly grand stone peak? He was abandoning Spock again to his
self-imposed suffering he could go home and settle into his own 
well-deserved pain. He shook his head and reached for the
handle to swing himself into the compartment. Something gripped 
his other arm, hard.

Kirk turned around in surprise.  He hadn't heard anyone approach. 
Spock's eyes were as alien as he had ever seen them.

"Whatever I want?" he asked.

The grip on his arm sent a stabbing pain to his spine, but Kirk didn't flinch.
Two acolytes had followed Spock out past the stone monoliths. Spock waved them away and they departed. Kirk held the defeat in his mind to keep hope at bay. "I am yours," Kirk stated.
Spock's gaze held an answering lonliness to his own. 

Kirk had started this and had to finish it. "Do with me what you will. Even order 
me to go-if that is what you really want." A tear slipped down his sand stained 
cheek, fueled partially by the pain in his arm.

Spock's grip shifted suddenly to a more comfortable one. Kirk nearly gasped with
relief.

"I apologize-"

"It's all right. You aren't yourself when you get angry--I understand that."

Spock's shoulders fell. "I am truly trying to succeed at the <em>kohlinahr</em>. . ."
He looked out across the sand toward the distant peaks. "I make progress. . . and
then I revert to this overwhelming emotional state," he admitted, with some
apparent relief at informing someone of his difficulty.

"I fear more than anything that you might eventually succeed," Kirk said sadly, causing
Spock's eyes to come up suddenly to meet his.  "I'm sorry if I've done this to you."

"You alone are not at fault. I allowed myself to be susceptible to you."

"Maybe I'm not used to that."

Spock still gripped Kirk's arm firmly. They gazed at each other in silence before Spock
said, "We should get you out of the heat."

The notion of being cared for again by this being sent another tear clearing a path down Kirk's face. 
Spock nodded with his head to indicate the Kirk should get into the aircar.

"Go to my parent's house. I will meet you there when I have made my official departure
from the temple."

Kirk sat back in the seat and fought back his fear. He wanted to insist that Spock come now. He wanted to make Spock promise, to tell him that he feared he would change his mind. But he 
had to be totally obedient in this and trust Spock absolutely. 

He nodded mutely and 
fired up the antigravs. Spock backed away and as he slid the cover closed, Kirk thought he
saw a small smile of satisfaction on his face.


T'Kuht had not risen and it was pitch dark by the time he flew back to Shi Kahr.  Kirk knocked
at the large stone door.  After a long pause, Amanda opened the door. 


"Admiral Kirk, this is unexpected." She backed away to let him in. She looked him up and 
down and led him to Spock's old room. "You look very tired. We can talk in the morning."

She started to close the door to the room and paused when Kirk asked, "The Ambassador?"


"He is away tonight," she said.



Kirk nodded and she departed. He stared mindlessly at the back of the door. 
He'd been bursting with the desire to tell her that Spock had promised to 
leave Gol, but fear of being mistaken held him back.



In the morning he woke to the cradling scent of Spock subtle in the room. 
He rose with a tender ache and washed up before presenting himself in the main
room of the house.

Amanda sat drinking tea from a steaming mug.  She looked up at him as he entered. 

"You
came to speak with Spock?" It was more of a statement than a question.



Kirk sat across from her. "I did speak with him yesterday."



She put her mug down suddenly. "That is unusual to be granted access to an acolyte of Gol."

"Is it?"

She thought a moment. "I have heard that access is only given to those they expect to fail,
with the idea that it will induce the acolyte to leave."



Kirk gripped his hands together. "He said he would leave."



Amanda gave him such an expression of suppressed joy, Kirk couldn't help smiling at her.
"I hope you are correct," she finally said.



"Will Sarek be displeased?"



She shook her head. "I do not think even he approved, though he could not say as much."

Amanda brought him some tea and they sat in silence until the door opened. They both looked 
up to see Spock enter. He looked impossibly gaunt in his simple robe. They both stood up 
to greet him. Spock looked at Kirk and the human bowed his head obediently.



"Jim, I do not require a slave. Just your emotional loyalty."



"Is that was this was about?" Amanda asked in shock.



"You have that, Spock," Kirk said. "Always."



"Perhaps I should leave you two alone. I have a meeting in an hour anyway. Welcome 
home, Spock," she said, touching his arm briefly and then turning away as if to 
hide her face.



After the door closed Kirk said, "Thank you."



Spock pursed his lips and shook his head in wonder. "I am starting to believe 
it was the correct decision." At Kirk's curious look he continued. "Nearly all 
of the turmoil. . . I have been suffering has simply faded away."



Kirk stepped up to him and hugged him, at first gently, and then fiercely.


--end of dreadnought part--